first look, u may think me a snob but i assure u that i am not... i m a little crazy tho i can be totally sane... i m serious yet funny at the same time...i m a little kid at heart tho totally mature.. i approach life with a passion that not many ppl understands... i m CONTRADICTION.....
Sunday, January 08, 2006
i love him ... i still do...
chanced upon someon's blog tonite.. ges you can say that im .....arghhh... cant remember the word.. i meant to say like the kind of person who would do something even though u noe it hurts... from time to time.. i would find myself drawn to viewing HIS friendster profile.. it hurts when i see the profile change to "in a relationship"... it hurts to see the new photos with HIS new LOVE... it hurts baaddd... but i still go and see it anyway... Y????... and tonite.. i chanced upon his blog... and it hurt real bad to read his thoughts and her inputs..
SOMEBODY - depeche mode
not only is that my all-time fav song, that was the song for our first date that four years ago on the sand spit in Perth... told him that my ideal 1st date would be dancing under the moonlight at the beach.. and he did exactly that... brought back a ton load of memories... and a ton load of tears ....
Love HURTS
nobody said that life is easy.. no one told me it would be this hard....
four years is a long time.. i LOVE Him.. I still do.. i cant explain why i took the decision to end it all... i noe it hurts him alot.. and i will never be able to explain it to him.. either that or he wouldnt understand.. tho i hope tat he is a changed person now.. that he treats her better... seems like it through his expressions...y i did it?... mebbe i just gave up fighting... was too hard.. had to fight my way through family.. through friends.. with him... mebe i jus gave up...regretted it?... not really... couldnt live with him..don't think ill be able to live with him under the same roof...
cried for days and weeks before i made the decision... cried for days and weeks after... yeah true.. when i broke the news to him, i didn't shed a tear.. didnt want him to see the hurt and the pain.. my hands were swollen... my head was spinning... punched and hit my head against the wall..bruises on my thighs.. yah i hit myself... in frustration.. God only knows how many times i actually do that at that point..cried myself to sleep many many times during that four years.... honestly.. i don't think he loved me.. don't think that he cared about me or my feelings at all... i don't think im wanted in his life...i felt useless...felt ugly.. felt unwanted...he didnt need me... said so himself...im no longer a priority....
WORDS HURT MORE
he always say his actions speak louder than words... but words hurt more...if the word has already caused the hurt, can the actions heal it?... but wat if he didnt noe that the words have hurt..how then can the actions heal... told him before.. when i cry, just hold me...just hug me and reassure me things are alrite... time and time again, when i cry... i cry in silence... for fear that he would be angry with me.. would scold me.. would use those words to hurt and hurt me more... i couldnt take it anymore... felt so alone... in this world with billions of people.. i felt so alone...
i did not know how else to deal with it.. so i left... without giving reason.. without explanations... 5 months have passed... i still feel the hurt... i still feel the pain.. i love him... i still do... but i just cant go on with it... i wish him all the best with his new love.. told him to treat her well... words still hurt...but he seems to be a different person now... why cant he be like this new person when he was with me??... mebe we both bring out the worse in each other...
all i have now is me and my princess.....
