Thursday, March 22, 2007
love.........
"When you love someone, you really love him with all your heart. A really really deep love that will never go away."
......i will never be able to replace that love you have for him. Tho i hope that one day you would love me as much as you love him, i noe that i cant force you and that it might be the most difficult thing in the world for you to do.......
......your anger stems from disappointment. Disappointment that you cant express to him how you feel. Disappointment that he left you when its obvious that you still need him. Till this moment. I understand now why you get angry with me. Its due to the fact that you have no one to turn to, to depend on and that the one person who mattered to you has disappointed you in the past. However i will do my best to fill that void.......
Darnisha â¥
1:43 PM
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Monday, March 19, 2007
impending disasters...
Marriagehave always thought of marriages as disasters..nothing much has happened in the last few months that has changed my mind..however i will proudly say dat i am more willing to take the step..to take a risk, take a chance make a change and break away from dat..speaking of marriages..heard down the pipeline of someone's impending marriage..on the 7th April to be exact...070407 good date y'all... how do i feel abt it? ..congratulations are in order..kinda feel weird when i heard... keep thinking of things past...however its good that he has finally found the person to settle down with...i wish you both all the happiness in the world...oh and dun worry abt the invitations, i wouldnt go even if i was invited....not that im bitter abt it or anything, i just dun think its appropriate you noe...unless i was frens with the bride prior to the ceremony or something like dat..honestly im not being bitter about it at all..more marriage news......IM GETTING MARRIED!!!!!....hahahaha.... dat would definitely give a shocker to you all...an lightling bolt of electric shock..more accurate would be...ive shared with you guys abt ian..time for more sharing...kinda getting this feeling in my heart that this is it for me...yah yah...hit a few stumbling blocks earlier along the way but most of it has been straightened out..including if you were wondering the other bits of chemistry...its not the flowers that did it for me...he sent a bouquet of roses to me once...but dats not it...he's just a rock...absorbing my hits and punches...takes everything in....but not discounting the fact that he is his own mind and will fight back when needs to....told him once that he shouldnt give in to me all the time..he said he will give in when he noes its not his fight....he is now accepting me for who i am..initially he has had some troubles with it..i still find him controlling me at times...but he is able to let go slowly...i realise it stemmed from the fact that he is unsure abt how i felt..now dat he is more sure, he is able to let go a little...if not i would just tell him off...been a little crazy and pushing him to the limits of his endurance...but he has been able to take it all in....so lets see where it goes...but from the looks of things... mite be goin quite far....
Darnisha â¥
7:24 PM
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Thursday, March 15, 2007
away....
he's away....far far away....dun think much of it... he's just away for the holidays... three days to be exact...and guess what i realise...i kinda miss him... tho he's annoying when he's around...but i miss that annoyance....miss him being ard...wat does this all mean...
Darnisha â¥
7:29 PM
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Saturday, March 10, 2007
where do i stand
im at a lost as to where i stand now...i can honestly say that the more time i spend with Ian, the deeper i feel for him..he's just comfortable and a nice person to be with..yah he has his bad points...everyone does...so do i..but the thing is can i live with those bad points or not?..no doubt he's controlling, he's maniacally possessive of me, certain traits and things are well.....something to get used to...but i can tell him off and he would be ok with it...like really scream at him and he will just absorb...im not sure tho if all that will come out one day but for the time being it doesnt...expectations...we were talking abt expectations last nite....he said his expectations of an ideal wife / gf would be someone who doesnt smoke, doesnt drink, preferably someone who wears tudung. he said his frens were shocked when they saw my blog the other day and realised that i dun wear it in the photos...his answer was i have to lower my expectations sometimes... i asked y would u do such a thing? why would you lower your own expectations just to suit a person? wouldnt u be disappointed someday? ....his answer was you are interesting, you keep me wanting to noe more of you...i realise i have to lower my expectations...i said "but you could have met someone who could meet all those expectations with less complications than me....why do u lower it anyway"...his answer "if a cat sees a fish in front of him, even tho the fish is not his favourite type of fish, do you think the cat would go find another?"im thinking that cos im there so make do with it...he maintained that he stayed cos he finds me interesting...finds me intriguing... im crazy...whackiness to the max...never a dull moment with me...communication flows easily...and communication is the most important aspect...he added that i care for him...and that i was sincere in that caring....without expecting something in return...which is rather difficult to find in people nowadays...
Darnisha â¥
2:48 PM
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Thursday, March 08, 2007
life not a bed of roses...nor a sea of thorns
life as it is takes a turn.....bed of roses it is not...neither a sea of thorns...
the anger dissipated with flowers?? love replaces the anger??...
totally didnt expect it...was touched by the gesture...
does he really love me that much??...
find a compromise...find the grounds where you can meet halfway
both your expectations may be too high for each other which could be due to past experiences. both of you have got to learn to let go some of it to make this work..
some advice from a fren.....so do i luv him? i dunno...mebbe...she thinks that i do luv him but too egoistic to admit that...expectations get in the way..in a weird sense, we complement each other my fren said.....
you're are all about the feeling and the musings abt the future and everything..he is about the doing...while you expect him to do more of the feeling, he is expecting you to do more of the doing...as such you complement each other perfectly...
i wish she is rite...but at the same time i just dunno...the sexual intimacy part does play a huge part..and as my BFF (best female friend lah tu)...so as she puts it..if you cant get past the fact of that particular certain physical attributes, better get out of it...dun let yourself sink too deep into it and be disappointed at the end of the day...
am i already at point of disappointment?...he said i can handle your moodswings, your anger...but one thing i cant handle is the disappointment..i havent told him yet wat im disappointed with...have no heart to tell...it will hurt cos face it its a stupid thing to let it get in the way of an otherwise beautiful relationship...im a shallow bitch...does flowers make it better?.....not really...was touched by the gesture tho....but it doesnt change things dat much isnt it???
Darnisha â¥
5:40 PM
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Thursday, March 01, 2007
A.N.G.E.R.
anger seeps thru my entire being.....engulfing me...as such i see red everywhere...
Im angry...downright fucking angry...(i hope there are no censorship laws here against use of profanities)...source of my anger is known to me...there are times when im angry and i just dunno why...but this time im ultra aware of it...
been feeling kinda stuffy with the attention ian's been giving me...its suffocating...the kind of attention that u noe expects something in return...was feeling down and out yesterday...just feeling the shits....decided to tag along some frens to ladies nite at powerhouse...with one thing in mind... to unwind...how i do dat is by dancing the night away..drinking till i get high enuff to leave those worries behind...so there we were the group of us at powerhouse celebrating a fren's bdae...(diverting from the story: dis fren wanted to get to noe me but gave me such a bad impression that i just pushed him away. and im regretting it) back to my tale.... so me and fren reached there at 6..waiting for ppl to come...we only went in at 9.30pm...i did have fun...danced...drank...didnt get drunk tho...which is good...i was happy when i left...till i got into the car...
ian fetched me...was still high and happy in the car was dancing...as usual..even when im alone driving i will still dance...he said "have u not had enough?"..
conversation went...talking abt my fren, vem.....he said "vem should tone down...so shld u, dun u think?".....was soooo pissed off that i felt like punching his face in....we stopped by at the multi-storey carpark....his idea...i noe he missed me, feeling frisky and all...he started feeling me...started kissing me...was wearing this tube-dress...started kissing my shoulders...moving up to my neck...hands travelling....kissing my mouth (i shall not say lips cos he basically kisses my mouth) and all the while in my mind was my knee going up to his groin giving him the most painful of kicks to the part that would inflict the most pain...."are you feeling hot?" my answer was "i wanna smoke"
while i smoked i gave him a dressing down....says all the things abt me feeling suffocated and feel like running away...ended with "im sorry if i seemed to be demanding with all these expectations but i would rather lay it out on the table before things get worse"...his reply was "this is yours...you have not known my expectations yet."
and god dat scared the shit out of me... i wanted to run rite there and then....
was such a bad day yesterday....my cure?...another drinking-dancing session most probably...i can hear all ya voices going..'darnisha, y must u do dat?'...my answer will be its wat i want to do rite now so leave me the hell alone...
Darnisha â¥
3:31 PM
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