Monday, February 26, 2007
aNd tHe cONfuSiOn sETs iN.....
thus the confusion sets in yet again in my mind...
confusion...what and why?....thot everything was more or less settled....ya noe...gotten over it...taken it to the next step....the pwince of my heart...now and forever my soul...part of my life...tho not part of me...we vowed to be frens forever....frens we are.. we are currently at the stage where we are very comfortable with each other..comfortable enough for it not to hurt when he mentions his new gf...but not comfortable yet for him not to be hurt when i mention ian....
spent time with him yesterday....he messaged me a couple of days back...asking why ive been quiet not contacting him...told him was busy with work...so yesterday was to make up for the time...we had a nice time talking... just talking...he was extra "manja" with me... leaning on me...wat shocked me the most was when he grabbed me from behind...squeezed me tightly in his embrace..and kissed my forehead...then while waiting for cab to go to east coast, he hugged me again...tightly...
another thing that shocked the living daylights out of me is when he called me "B, pass the cigarettes"....my reply was "huh? wat did u call me?" and he said "oh cannot call u B anymore eh?"....
wat does all this mean?...he was evidently upset when i mentioned ian...he even said the current girlfriend is just for show...that he appreciates and sayang me more...wat does it mean....what is he saying...what does he want...
the confusion sets in again........
Darnisha â¥
8:02 PM
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Friday, February 23, 2007
is this love?
try as i may to run away from the feeling...i still couldnt stop it from seeping through the cracks on the wall...im feeling it...tho i deny it, im feeling it....
the feeling overcomes and overpowers me...i dun want to lose myself...i fear...im afraid if i have to leave one day...i fear if things dun work out...too many what ifs...too many buts...to many uncertainties...am i ready for this?... someone once told me, and i believe i written dat down somewhere in this blog, that i shouldnt be in a relationship if im not ready to face the hurt and the pain...at this point, im still not ready to face the hurt and the pain...not ready to face it alone...but am i ready to face it together with him...
He said "i will wait till the day u finally make ur decision, then i will shout to tell the world that you are mine". He is the best at this point...he gives me what i need when i need...knows when to pull away and be a man when needed...."if it makes you happy, then i will let you go. no matter how hard it may be". My attitude towards him changed. I softened up a lot..initially i was a little rough around the edges...always antagonising him...always saying things and doing things to push him away... now i just melt against his undying patience...float with his love...safe and secure knowing that if i fall he will be there to catch me...knowing that he would not push me to take any step that im not ready to take...
"i only love you 80% of my heart. i have to keep the 20% in case something bad happens. I would need dat to pick myself up and continue living. Im sorry if knowing that hurts u"... but it doesnt hurt me sayang... it shows maturity...it shows that you are rational...shows that you are thinking and not just following ur heart and emotions...
i dunno if i love him yet...but i do noe that im falling....
Darnisha â¥
10:56 AM
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Wednesday, February 21, 2007
the time has come....
...or has it?.....
Gonna bare my heart and soul in this post...beware ya all...brace thyself for an emotional onslaught...
been going out with Ian for the past week...yeah i agree that things did go too fast for awhile...lost my footing for abit..but lately things are getting really comfortable..i would be lying if i say dat i do not have any feelings for him..but i would also be lying if i say that i love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him..he is such a comfort to be with...just comfortable...dats it..call me a bitch..i actually fell asleep on him...while he was trying to get me excited...but i wonder if that feeling...that feeling which leads to sex can be developed...wat if it cant...i believe sex is a very important thing in any relationship..especially marriage...ok..not sex but more of physical intimacy...so honestly its so early in this relationship, and he doesnt turn me on...doesnt do it for me...i was honestly hot...but it just died...speaking of relationship, im not even sure im in one...he's sure...im just not...im still looking ard...still dating...still flirting with other guys...why darnisha why?..
go with the flow see where the wind blows... dats what i feel and think...but at the same time...im not sure if the wind is blowing in the right direction...
my soul suddenly said to me the other day...u cant be with ian lah...u need to be with me..
its really hard to get over pwince...and hearing him saying such things...haizzz....
suddenly sumone from across the border started contacting again....said that he broke up with his gf...and currently single... says that he cares alot abt me...misses me...
why oh why.....time has come for me to make an effing decision.....
Darnisha â¥
10:27 AM
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Friday, February 16, 2007
sunset
Confusion sets in...big time...
im not sure where to head beyond this crossroads... one path will hurt my family...the other path will hurt the person...yet all paths will hurt me....when will i come first...when will i matter.....
at this point in my life i have no idea at all what the hell is happening...im losing it..totally losing it...got to know someone who could be a potential husband material...however, he comes with his own baggages...baggages which im not sure i can live with... one of which is the fact that he used to go out with my sister...for the fact that if things were to happen between us, it would always be a thorn on my sister's side..the worse thing is he doesnt seem to give two hoots abt it...thinks that its ok...moving along at warp speed...scares the living daylights out of me...arggghhhhhhh...lets just rilek chill for the time being ehh
Darnisha â¥
3:33 PM
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Monday, February 12, 2007
in love
with love?...with the idea of being in love...the feelings involved with being in love...im not sure where im standing at this point im precariously hanging over a ledge...on the verge of falling in the abyss...world of the unknown...i do not know where the path leads me..i do not know where it ends...fear of the unknown gripping meshould i proceed..should i stay or should i go... i remembered having this same argument earlier...same argument...different subjects... same crossroads...different characters....torn between two people...between two lives...each way i turn there will be heart breakingthe story is....i met this person...he's nice, really sweet, attentive...tho abit d-oh......there is this other person...he's sexy, suave, a total gentleman......however, with both of these men, the history is less than desirable...the other thing is the sexy guy is someone i want to pursue...but not currently pursuing me... i know i have the nice guy in my hands already by now... but there is nothing better than a conquest...the challenge it involves...the nice guy though i noe i have him.. i fear him more.... falling too darn fast...im not understanding it...the other thing is being with the nice guy will cause some shifts in the family dynamics...shld i be selfish?...should i be kind?...should i think abt myself?...or about others?...fear of the unknown enveloping my entire being....fear......
Darnisha â¥
5:47 PM
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Wednesday, February 07, 2007
the subconscious mind
the subconscious mind is on full attack.......cant stop thinking and thinking and thinking of pwince......keep dreaming of him over and over and over again.... cant take it anymore....GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SYSTEM!!!!.. I DUN WANT TO BE IN THAT STATE OF MIND...I DUN WANT TO BE THERE... I WANNA BE FREE!!!!!LET ME GO!!!!!!!!!!1
Darnisha â¥
10:49 AM
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Monday, February 05, 2007
missing someone or something.....
was out with my best fwen last few days...had a conversation with her abt love and falling in love and all that... i admit it was such a depressing topic...and both of us ended up in a state of reflection where we just sat and contemplated on our lives
upon reflection, i realised that i can be rather high maintenance...in terms of emotional needs..i expect quite alot from my partners...expect them to totally understand me...not giving them the space to breathe or make mistakes....
today at the office...heard a song that my pwince had dedicated to me when we were still together...previously, hearing dat song did not affect me...but today, when the song came on the radio i actually had to shut my ear... couldnt hear it...couldnt take it...wat song...its the fauzie laily selalu song...it means even no matter how far away he is, he always has me in his thoughts....thats wat pwince said to me previously....i didnt think i could be dat affected by it as i was just now... i had to shut my ears to stop myself from crying...i didnt cry tho but was so close to tears....
it dawned on me...my relationship with pwince meant a lot to me...i love him....much more than anyone before... i still love him a lot....and i miss him so much... miss being in his arms...miss having him around to tell me off when needs be...to love me when i need it...no one understands me as much as he did....and i doubt anyone will have as much impact on my life as much as pwince did...
or do i just miss the being in love bit?.....being loved and having the attention and care from someone?....
Darnisha â¥
8:36 PM
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