Wednesday, November 29, 2006
happy times ahead...?
argghhh...start work again after 4 days of rest.. dragging miself outta bed...the most comfy bed ever...head-spinning..anything that enters the mouth does a u-turn at the stomach junction and comes back out....arrgghh i hate this feeling...spent the day with my pwince yesterday...was reminded of the good times... times where there were no quarrels no squabbles..fun times... aniways...went to PGL the musical last friday... yeps..Puteri Gunung Ledang the Musical...sometimes i just wish that i was more arts-inclined...its seem so much fun...so rewarding to see people standing up clapping for you...thinking and thinking abt things...wanna noe something...the longer i am in this line of work, the more i feel like doing something else...im very drawn to the FnB line..has nothing to do with pwince working at St James and all...but i suddenly have this urge to open a restaurant..my current favourite show is kitchen confidential which is based on Anthony Bourdain's book..im not much of a cook...but i can always pick it up cant i?..cant i?
Darnisha â¥
10:35 AM
link to post
0 comments
Friday, November 24, 2006
my handsome cousin...
....is GETTING MARRIED!!!!....
well ok...not exactly getting married now...but getting engaged...its the same effect..
he is 2 yrs younger than me..growing up with him i guess i always looked upon him as this little brother...i never see him beyond 18yrs old...now he's settling down...well...not that i have anything bad to say...dun really noe his other half...only from encounters on the street..and that has not been pleasant in any way...she stared at me like a tiger staring at its prey ready to pounce on my slightest wrong move...
growing up...we were really close...grandma takes care of both of us...grandpa always there for financial support..hehe..u noe the trips to the kedai mama...and the treats that we receive from time to time..the toys, basketball, chocolates, sweets, ...with the abundance of child innocence..
my cousin grew up well... all my other girl cousins as well as my sisters and myself have all had a big..no make that HUGE major crush on him...he is the most handsomest of the lot...tall well-built..muscular in the rite areas...noe wat he kinda reminds me of wentworth miller...u noe the uber-hot prisoner who's trying to save his brother from the chair...
there....now he's all grown up...and he getting engaged..getting married...
GAWD!!!..i cant even start to imagine!!!!!
Darnisha â¥
6:20 PM
link to post
0 comments
Thursday, November 23, 2006
life isn't easy...
work...play...home...family...life...love....nothing comes easy...there are always problems...there will always be obstacles..Funny how ppl always say...."There's a blessing in disguise"..."Every cloud has a silver lining"...Ever wondered what it means....i have...yeah blessing in disguise...only when the blessing comes...more things happen that would make you say that phrase again.. Guess it just gives people something to hold on to..something to hope for..hope on hope for a brighter day and better future...does it happen? not normally...on the wheels of life..you dont particularly stay on the top for very long...especially when you are going at top speed.. before you realise you are on top, you have already come crashing down...on a lighter note, i decided to let that person know my deepest feelings..well i have always had the issue...my feelings get buried deep inside...my insecurities never voiced out..my fear gets pushed aside...to eruption point..by then, it is normally too late..too late to do much rectifying as the damage is too great to fix...well...here's a step for me...step in the other direction..aniways..told him how i felt...abt the job..abt the hours..abt the time left he has for me..abt how i felt alone and lonely...abt his attitude towards me..abt the many times that i get the brunt of his anger when he is tired.. well we had a long chat...really long...i realised that as i grow older, i expect much more from my partners... i used to be ok with being left alone...but nowadays its beginning to be quite unbearable. he apologised for all that he's done ...he realises that he has been neglecting me to a certain extent..i apologise for being insecure...for not trusting..for doubting...and i feel....fwahhh the burden lifted...the fear thwarted..i always feared that if i say how i really feel then people would not understand.. and things will get worse.. and people will start leaving...but i guess that person is different...he listened...reasoned out.. and made me feel more assured than i had been in weeks...assured of myself...that i can do it...that i can go thru with it...he asked me to listen to a song.. says to me..."even if i do not call you, don't think that im not thinking of you..." smiling all the way home...but the insecurities creeping in ever so slightly with ever passing minute....guess it would take more than just words to calm me down...
Darnisha â¥
11:21 AM
link to post
0 comments
Monday, November 20, 2006
stars above.....
and by stars i do not mean the recent Tom-Kat wedding which is filled with all the glitz and glamour of their world....:)by stars i mean...stars in the sky sorta thing...let me put this as disclaimer...i do not believe in astrology and horoscopes....i do read them... purely for its entertainment value...which is why i would read it at the end of the day... i feel that if a person reads it at the beginning of the day, at times, the events of the day might play out in exactly the same way.. cos subconsciously determined by our own actions... if i read it at the end of the day, my feel is that i could judge how much crap these readings can be and how much it can turn out to be so accurate at times....the past few days my readings have been to wait and see what happens... a valuable piece of information will be uncovered which will make it easier to determine my next course of action....kinda wondering what it means...in my heart of hearts, kinda know what its pointing towards...but am i ready to embrace the reality of it?.. Am i ready to make a decision and stand by it?...am i strong enough... honestly im not quite sure... someone close is going through some tough times with his family...as such every little thing i do can lead to a really huge argument... eg...i called and called...like every few minutes...i fully understand that can be REALLY irritating when you're not in the mood... the problem is... i kinda need some reassurance from this person...some soothing words...some tender, loving care would have been really nice... when i don get it the first time around, i press on...seeking for it... pushing for it... im pushed to the brink...not on any other front...but at work...im feeling so tired... i miss him....miss the times when i will come back home from work and he is there...always there to give me the comforting hug that i need... right now i just feel so alone... since i cant get the physical hugs, i crave for the emotional support...i crave for the sweet nothings... but all i get is the harsh reality dat pushes the separation between us as wide as the Pacific Ocean... Im asleep when he's at work... when i go to work, he's sleeping...i love you...even when i'm sleepingwhen i close my eyes, you're everywhere..
Darnisha â¥
7:17 PM
link to post
0 comments
Friday, November 17, 2006
Life's like dat
dats just the way it is.....things will never be the same....
i guess life's like dat...some things will never change and some things will never be the same...while i go crazy with workstuff that never seemed to end...forever overwhelming my entire existence...some other ppl out there going crazy over other stuff...
emotions running wild at the moment...im all over the place...like a tightly-wound spring...im just waiting...lying in wait for the time where someone crosses the line...someone steps on my toes...rubs me the wrong way.. then there you will have it.... "She's Going To BLOW!!!!!"....
Darnisha â¥
12:46 PM
link to post
0 comments
Monday, November 13, 2006
Change....
you have got to change this attitude of yours...im getting sick of it....i need an attitude adjustment...so someone said to me...apparently i throw tantrums...i can be unreasonable...i am not understanding enough...i am not compromising...and i give effed-up faces when im effed-up.... lets reevaluate yourself darnisha...is dat true?...it may be true..well it couldnt always be the other person's fault is it? i admit when there's an argument, i take a long time to get over it..i don't brood on the matter.. i just take my time to be ok..guess that can be quite a pain for the other person..i can always come up with some crappy excuse to justify why i do what i do.. but is it really justifiable.. im not sure.. justifiable to who?... myself or the other person.. thinking about it, there are times where im crabby...where im unreasonable..where im uncompromising..but...haiii..there is always a but... but there are also times where im not... where i feel my patience are stretched beyond the limits of endurance... i will not stay still and let the other person take over just like that.. time and time again...but to what length do i do that?...is it fair to hurt the other person...
Darnisha â¥
10:55 AM
link to post
0 comments
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
.....hopeless
(continued from previous entry)well.. where did i stop?...hmm..so he got himself a gf...good for him i say... but i dunno for wat reasons he still calls once in a while... i dun mind him calling once in a while to tanya khabar..but the once in a while still irks me... sweet words spoken.... often with reference to the future... seemingly making silent promises along the way... lots of times i will just act stupid...like i dun understand wat he's getting at... all that seemed harmless to me...its nothing i tell myself... just talk...its just a joke.... but it still bothers me .... he would talk and bring me up high with hopes and dreams only to be rudely pushed off the cloud and come crashing down with a loud confirmation that we will never be... its just a joke...no matter how thick the wall i put between us... somehow somewhere he found my weakest point.. and pushed his way through... till i decided enough was enough...that was the point where he started hinting at marriage...hinted at a future migration... talking about compromising so that i can reach my goal of wanting to study...and how to go around that....making plans to go out together... at the end of that same night...of the same teleconversation, he dropped his favourite line...its just a joke...enough was enough... i couldnt take it anymore... i not strong enough to face this nonsense over and over again... i couldnt recover from the hurt and the pain...my feelings mean nothing... i decided then that i cant talk to him anymore...that's where this whole fiasco started...me ignoring and continue to ignore him..and him getting more and more angry that im ignoring... its true u noe wat they say...ignoring a problem will not make it go away... it will make it worse.. as in this case..mother got angry cos of wat i did to him... said i din think about familial relations..that its gonna be awkward now... well.. tough then...he didnt think about all that either when he started his nonsense...fren said that mebe he doesnt noe better.. and thats the way it is where he comes from... so does that mean that men have all the right to trample on people's feelings..and just cos dats the way it may be in his country does it have to be the same across the board..brudder asked if i have feelings for him since i cant seem to ignore him and he seem to bother me alot...mebe i do.. i dunno.. mebe dats y i feel so hurt and rejected when he proclaimed it all to be a joke...but one thing for sure, even if i do have feelings for him, i am not about to let it develop any further than it already isnt. im not willing to give it a chance...so here i am stuck and entangled in this labyrinth of a web...should i swallow my pride and apologise to him for my conduct the past few weeks...just to save the familial relations...or should i just leave it... leave it to dust...is it my obligations to keep the family together? why do i feel like such a horrible person for trying to keep my sanity?... for trying to save my dignity....for trying to make a stand...for having my own mind...for not wanting to be made used of....just becos i ignore him.... "see you in the hereafter"... dats wat he ended of to me.....is it my fault?... am i wrong????Hopeless...Hopelessness...helplessness...engulfing my entire being
Darnisha â¥
4:48 PM
link to post
0 comments
hopeless...........
someone described me as such recently.... im hopeless...for standing my ground..for not giving in....for thinking of myself... im hopeless for attempting self-preservation...im weak for giving in...im hopeless for not giving in..honestly i do not know what or where everything went so wrong... let me give u a bit of history... he started approaching me in 2003 when i went back there with my family for a visit. he got my hp number and we started contacting each other regularly... at that point, i was having problems in my relationship... he did confess that he liked me then...but i said we can only be frens...then i broke up..and he got himself a girlfriend.. i noe and i understand fully that i need to keep the distance between us.. and keep the distance i did...but he didnt understand it....(to be continued)....
Darnisha â¥
12:46 PM
link to post
0 comments
Saturday, November 04, 2006
u mad......
y did you not reply my msg? Does dat mean dat u are angry with me or you don want to be associated with me anymore...isn't it?This is a rough translation and interpretation of the note that i received at 3 am. Where did this relationship start to go horribly wrong?... oh yeah i remember now...was the point where he started talking abt settling down...and then took it all back...made me feel like something mattered...and then took it all back.... brought me up high with hopes and dreams...and from the highest point in the sky dropped me...and took it all back... his favourite line...."was just joking"told him to leave me alone...told him to give me time to cool off...told him that i cant face him anymore without having the vile feeling of hurt and betrayal coming up to the surface... leaves a bad aftertaste in the mouth... how do i explain this to someone who doesnt seem to understand a single thing abt feelings or emotions...someone who thinks its alrite to say all those things and not meaning it...someone who feels that i should not be affected by all those things which he didnt mean in the first place...why do ppl say wat they don mean...why are they such vile creatures...i still hate him...and i will continue to hate him for as long as he bothers me....so LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!.. DONCHA GET IT ALREADY...sidetracking from the crap from the close encounter with the third kind...a reminder to my married frenzz...don't get too comfortable in your marital status...you do not know what will happen in the future... don't be too cocky...do not forget wat happened previously in your life....you may be married NOW...but it certainly does not mean that you will stay married...anything can happen...anything and everything... and wat gives man...just cos you are married, does that mean that you know all there is to know abt relationships... seeing yourself fit to give others advice on what to avoid and what to look out for...please deh....life is not perfect...life will never be perfect here on this earth...here in this world filled with imperfections... if you believe yourself to be truly happy...then so be it...ges wat...with all the comings and goings in my life... im still happy with my marital status...i m happy ....so IN YOUR FACE!!!!!..
Darnisha â¥
12:43 PM
link to post
0 comments
Friday, November 03, 2006
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Are you dat dense??? doncha get it already?LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!... Get out of my freaking life...forget abt the fact of the relations and ties...just go....go away and neva come back...I do not need your late nite calls... or early morning SMSes asking relentlessly how i am doing...or dat you miss me... or dat you are thinking abt me...I DO NOT NEED THAT SHIT!!!...Honestly wat do you expect? dat i suddenly am ok with everything... after all that you've done..that things are just gonna go back to normal...wat do you think i am?? your PAPERDOLL?? your feelingless doll whom you can just do watever you feel like doing without needing to worry about how it might affect me in any way...well....ges wat...im sorry to disappoint you...life is not perfect...im not your doll...I HAVE FEELINGS.. I HAVE A HEART... and your actions will not go unnoticed..and i promise you that you will feel the full brunt of your thoughtless actions..... i am so tired...tired of this....y does it bother me so much...i try my darndest to not let this stupid thing affect me...but obviously im not dat strong...obviously im weak.. i cant take it.. i cant be close to him and not let things bother me.. i cant stand being beside him... i just cant stand it...its eating me inside...he expects me to explain.. keep asking me to explain..how do i tell him that he has hurt me...beyond measure...there is no way things will ever be the same between us ever again.... the hurt is deep and im not sure when i will ever heal...one thing for sure...I HATE HIM!!!!
Darnisha â¥
2:56 PM
link to post
0 comments
