Wednesday, July 05, 2006
life is.....
all about life... dats wat i want to talk about today... hope things go better today.. after yesterday's debacle with the internet connection... aarrggghhh.. dat was a bummer...i shall now begin from the start.. as much as i can remember at least...
firstly i apologise to my sisters for reading their blogs... hey wait a minute.. i do not need to apologise.. why put up a blog if you don want anyone to read it?.. baaahh...apology taken back.. :p ....aniway..i had to agree with my sis.. she hit it rite on the nail when she said our mother was a tyrant in her younger years.. she has since toned down a hundred notches on the tyrant scale tho but at that point... oh man oh man... wat im getting at is that, that made us who we are today.. we are survivors... put us aniwhere and we can and will survive.. ride through the storm unscathed except for a few bruises and scratches here and there...
y did i bring up all this?... my sis wrote that my 9yr old male cousin bawled his eyes out when his mum went off to work..she said we never felt that way... and i agree yet again... when my mum left for work, i was happy to left to my own devices at my grandparent's.. where i get all the freedom to roam free...back to my cousins.. well.. they are a little different.. not only do they cry like its the end of the world, they would call the mum every few mintues.. no matter if the mum is busy working.. expecting the mum to always be able to answer the phone.. and if the phone is not answered, they will hang on the phone.. walking ard, sulking with this big sad expression on their faces and start to blink back some tears and all...
left me to wonder... what if something happened to the mum?... wat would happen to them? .. how would they take it?.. how would they go on with their lives then?... i remembered the day my father breathed his last...i remembered it like it was yesterday... remembered sitting by his deathbed day and night...remembered feeling so tired... so weary... i actually whispered into my dad's ears... told him "go..just go.. just leave us.. we can take care of ourselves..we can take care of mak..don't worry..just go"
now.. im not some unfeeling bitch... i was afraid that he was hanging on for our sakes.. that he was worried abt us.. i did not want him to suffer any further... i hated seeing the suffering that he had to go through..so i asked him to go.. and when it was over, i felt relieved that it was finally over... again i say i m not some unfeeling bitch... i was just so tired...my point of bringing this up is... when the time comes for them, would they be able to let go?...well only time will tell..
One year on... expectations still not fulfilled.. yearnings not met... unhappiness surfaces..feel like giving up.. feel like letting go..feel like leaving it all behind...do not want to face it anymore.. dun want to deal with it anymore.. watever it is, i just want to leave it all behind.. just want to be left alone....JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!... dun want to continue anymore.. dun want to feel like this anymore..i hate being like this.. hate being stuck... feelings to love slowly sliding away.. slowly bein replaced by uncertainty.. by doubt..dislike..
Darnisha â¥
4:30 PM
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