Tuesday, November 07, 2006
.....hopeless
(continued from previous entry)well.. where did i stop?...hmm..so he got himself a gf...good for him i say... but i dunno for wat reasons he still calls once in a while... i dun mind him calling once in a while to tanya khabar..but the once in a while still irks me... sweet words spoken.... often with reference to the future... seemingly making silent promises along the way... lots of times i will just act stupid...like i dun understand wat he's getting at... all that seemed harmless to me...its nothing i tell myself... just talk...its just a joke.... but it still bothers me .... he would talk and bring me up high with hopes and dreams only to be rudely pushed off the cloud and come crashing down with a loud confirmation that we will never be... its just a joke...no matter how thick the wall i put between us... somehow somewhere he found my weakest point.. and pushed his way through... till i decided enough was enough...that was the point where he started hinting at marriage...hinted at a future migration... talking about compromising so that i can reach my goal of wanting to study...and how to go around that....making plans to go out together... at the end of that same night...of the same teleconversation, he dropped his favourite line...its just a joke...enough was enough... i couldnt take it anymore... i not strong enough to face this nonsense over and over again... i couldnt recover from the hurt and the pain...my feelings mean nothing... i decided then that i cant talk to him anymore...that's where this whole fiasco started...me ignoring and continue to ignore him..and him getting more and more angry that im ignoring... its true u noe wat they say...ignoring a problem will not make it go away... it will make it worse.. as in this case..mother got angry cos of wat i did to him... said i din think about familial relations..that its gonna be awkward now... well.. tough then...he didnt think about all that either when he started his nonsense...fren said that mebe he doesnt noe better.. and thats the way it is where he comes from... so does that mean that men have all the right to trample on people's feelings..and just cos dats the way it may be in his country does it have to be the same across the board..brudder asked if i have feelings for him since i cant seem to ignore him and he seem to bother me alot...mebe i do.. i dunno.. mebe dats y i feel so hurt and rejected when he proclaimed it all to be a joke...but one thing for sure, even if i do have feelings for him, i am not about to let it develop any further than it already isnt. im not willing to give it a chance...so here i am stuck and entangled in this labyrinth of a web...should i swallow my pride and apologise to him for my conduct the past few weeks...just to save the familial relations...or should i just leave it... leave it to dust...is it my obligations to keep the family together? why do i feel like such a horrible person for trying to keep my sanity?... for trying to save my dignity....for trying to make a stand...for having my own mind...for not wanting to be made used of....just becos i ignore him.... "see you in the hereafter"... dats wat he ended of to me.....is it my fault?... am i wrong????Hopeless...Hopelessness...helplessness...engulfing my entire being
Darnisha â¥
4:48 PM
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