Tuesday, August 12, 2008
the pain it is
am i?....am i not?....with the events finally unfolding itself as the country celebrates the National Day and the world celebrating the biggest sporting event......what better way than to have it end this way.....
first was the ectopic scare.... went to the GP...got certified..weakly positively pregnant....fixed an appointment with my gynae at KK...did blood test...was pregnant...but the sonographe couldn't find anything in the scan....doc said it could be ectopic...but have to go for further tests....put me on 4 days MC....read up on ectopic pregnancies...what happens...what could happen...what will happen....apparently i could die....apparently its the leading course of death in pregnant women in their first trimester...went thru emotional hell with the husband....he was just as affected as i was...probably worse off...but that wasnt the end of things
came back two days later...did blood test again....went for scan again...but they still couldnt conclusively find anything....except for this space in the uterus which could be it...which may not be it....from the blood test...doc said that it was a little weak...she will give an injection to help it along...."im still bleeding" i said...."its ok...sometimes when the placenta is forming, it is normal to bleed a little...but if its heavy bleeding...come back to the 24hrs clinic"....."is it ectopic?" i ventured to ask...."oh no no...its not...its definitely not...but its just a little weak...dat means it can lead to a miscarriage"....went with the second sister....she said " i knew it...when i looked at the scan photos, i didn't think it was ectopic either"....spoken like a true nurse, dat one......but dat wasnt the end of things either....
went home...assured that things will get better....the husband said..."i think you and our baby will be fine".....i wish i could reassure him back...i just felt something wasnt right...i wished and prayed in my heart that his words were true....the bleeding continued...started cramping too....as i sat watching the torch being lit signalling the opening of the olympics in beijing, my tummy felt like there was a huge party inside....with little things tugging hard at my insides....national day came....the cramping got a little worse....the pain that shot thru my body was horrifying....was really bad....at times it will release...at times it will catch me....and i will be rolling on the floor....by the end of the NDP, it just got a little worse....i noticed the cramps came at a particular interval...went to fetch the husband at a photoshoot assignment...went out to eat...came back still rolling on the floor....by night i couldnt sleep...the pain just gets worse....morning came....by now the intervals of the cramps came at a ten to fifteen minutes interval....the cramps the backaches....i teared from the pain....decided to go to the 24hr clinic....
in the doctor's office....he unfeelingly told me..."i think u miscarried...and i think im right judging from wat u told me"....had to be warded straight away....had to fast for the emergency operation...to wash out the womb....wash all traces of what could have been our first child...everything that led to the operation seemed to not go right...the doctor who did my IV line screwed up...ended up with a bad ass bump in my hand where the liquid was collecting rather than flowing thru my veins...the anaesthesiologist might have miscalculated something cos it took me a while to go to sleep....the operation almost didnt happen cos the ward nurses forgot to administer something....but i woke up from the general anaesthetics singing...and asking for the time...then asking for food....mebe was my way to masking my pain...
yes there may be a blessing in disguise...yes they say every cloud has a silver lining...yes they say everything ada hikmah nyer...only at the moment, i cant see it...yes im blinded by emotions...but i am human...i think i do have the right to feel too....and i feel lost...i feel vulnerable....i feel i dun wanna think abt it...but i cant help but think....i cant help but wonder....i cant help but cry...or feel like crying all the time...yes i put on a brave and smiling front....even thru the pain....the mother in law commented..."she is smiling...but i can see that she is trying to endure the pain".....
and that was how it ended....with the operation.....i wished for a better ending....but dats not wats meant to be for me...at least not now....we shall persevere....i shall persevere....i need to be strong...i need to recover from this....but hell, give me time to grief too...give me time to cry and feel....im tired of covering it all up...just so that ppl around me can cope with it......
Darnisha â¥
9:47 AM
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