Tuesday, August 12, 2008
the pain it is
am i?....am i not?....with the events finally unfolding itself as the country celebrates the National Day and the world celebrating the biggest sporting event......what better way than to have it end this way.....
first was the ectopic scare.... went to the GP...got certified..weakly positively pregnant....fixed an appointment with my gynae at KK...did blood test...was pregnant...but the sonographe couldn't find anything in the scan....doc said it could be ectopic...but have to go for further tests....put me on 4 days MC....read up on ectopic pregnancies...what happens...what could happen...what will happen....apparently i could die....apparently its the leading course of death in pregnant women in their first trimester...went thru emotional hell with the husband....he was just as affected as i was...probably worse off...but that wasnt the end of things
came back two days later...did blood test again....went for scan again...but they still couldnt conclusively find anything....except for this space in the uterus which could be it...which may not be it....from the blood test...doc said that it was a little weak...she will give an injection to help it along...."im still bleeding" i said...."its ok...sometimes when the placenta is forming, it is normal to bleed a little...but if its heavy bleeding...come back to the 24hrs clinic"....."is it ectopic?" i ventured to ask...."oh no no...its not...its definitely not...but its just a little weak...dat means it can lead to a miscarriage"....went with the second sister....she said " i knew it...when i looked at the scan photos, i didn't think it was ectopic either"....spoken like a true nurse, dat one......but dat wasnt the end of things either....
went home...assured that things will get better....the husband said..."i think you and our baby will be fine".....i wish i could reassure him back...i just felt something wasnt right...i wished and prayed in my heart that his words were true....the bleeding continued...started cramping too....as i sat watching the torch being lit signalling the opening of the olympics in beijing, my tummy felt like there was a huge party inside....with little things tugging hard at my insides....national day came....the cramping got a little worse....the pain that shot thru my body was horrifying....was really bad....at times it will release...at times it will catch me....and i will be rolling on the floor....by the end of the NDP, it just got a little worse....i noticed the cramps came at a particular interval...went to fetch the husband at a photoshoot assignment...went out to eat...came back still rolling on the floor....by night i couldnt sleep...the pain just gets worse....morning came....by now the intervals of the cramps came at a ten to fifteen minutes interval....the cramps the backaches....i teared from the pain....decided to go to the 24hr clinic....
in the doctor's office....he unfeelingly told me..."i think u miscarried...and i think im right judging from wat u told me"....had to be warded straight away....had to fast for the emergency operation...to wash out the womb....wash all traces of what could have been our first child...everything that led to the operation seemed to not go right...the doctor who did my IV line screwed up...ended up with a bad ass bump in my hand where the liquid was collecting rather than flowing thru my veins...the anaesthesiologist might have miscalculated something cos it took me a while to go to sleep....the operation almost didnt happen cos the ward nurses forgot to administer something....but i woke up from the general anaesthetics singing...and asking for the time...then asking for food....mebe was my way to masking my pain...
yes there may be a blessing in disguise...yes they say every cloud has a silver lining...yes they say everything ada hikmah nyer...only at the moment, i cant see it...yes im blinded by emotions...but i am human...i think i do have the right to feel too....and i feel lost...i feel vulnerable....i feel i dun wanna think abt it...but i cant help but think....i cant help but wonder....i cant help but cry...or feel like crying all the time...yes i put on a brave and smiling front....even thru the pain....the mother in law commented..."she is smiling...but i can see that she is trying to endure the pain".....
and that was how it ended....with the operation.....i wished for a better ending....but dats not wats meant to be for me...at least not now....we shall persevere....i shall persevere....i need to be strong...i need to recover from this....but hell, give me time to grief too...give me time to cry and feel....im tired of covering it all up...just so that ppl around me can cope with it......
Darnisha â¥
9:47 AM
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Monday, July 28, 2008
lines and wat it means
i think i shall focus on my journey....through the next nine months....am sure gonna be lined by lots and lots of bitching....but hey...blame it on the raging hormones running amok in my body haaaa...went to the doctor....two lines on the white stick...wat it means....it means positive....positively pregnant....breathed a sigh a relief.....phewwwwww.... u cant imagine how it felt like....honestly....to have it confirmed by the doctor....yeah well my body was telling me one thing...but it sure was another to have it confirmed...u noe i was kinda afraid that i was having psychosomatic symptoms...like pseudo pregnancy symtoms...like when someone wants to be pregnant sooo much, they start to imagine their body changing and all...not quite sure if im dat psycho...but i can be quite the psycho i think too....but didnt care that the doctor said it was a weak positive...he said its still early...but its still positive ain't it?....if not would there be a line in the first place....right right right???? u noe...as much as the husband wants the baby and all...im not quite sure if he is mentally ready to handle such responsibilities....in some ways he is a baby...and wants to be babied....actually in a lot of ways... the responsibilities of having a wife and kid....im not quite sure if he is ready...honestly i think he is not....he doesnt seem to want to change his lifestyle...his hobbies still take centre stage...even after marriage....took quite a bit of toll on me....u noe...i was sleeping almost the whole day on saturday...too tired to even move....went out awhile to the doctor and to get something to eat at JP....on the way back he actually asked me if i was tired...and if i wasnt tired, he wanted to go fishing....i felt like punching his face in....he wanted to go all the way to pasir ris...and we were from Boon Lay...i honestly felt like punching his face in...for the rest of the entire weekend, he basically put on a sour face in front of me... prodded along moodily....screamed at his mother when she asked something.....was too tired to care...i slept thru....i slept in...and he got more angry....saying things like why do i keep sleeping....i just wonder if he noticed...is he like daft?....wonder if he realised wat the doctor said....thought bubbles : kicking him in the shin...punching him in the balls....yah yah....bad thoughts of my husband...but then again....he deserves it....so wat does the lines mean for me....nights mebe days of staying home alone...while the husband satisfies his need for his hobbies....nights staying up alone... trying to keep my food in...instead of puking all over my face every few minutes....so wat it means for me is...im having a baby...I AM the ONE HAVING THE BABY....
Darnisha â¥
7:17 PM
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Friday, June 27, 2008
so tired
im feeling soooooo tired.....so darn tired i can't take much of it anymore...is the life of a wife just that? oh well what do i expect kan? takkan desperate housewives plak kan?...
Darnisha â¥
9:50 AM
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Friday, June 20, 2008
the married me??
is there any difference??? honestly not really...beside the fact that i can sleep with him everyday now...on the bed...instead of ermmm other places...is there really a difference? how is a wife supposed to behave to a husband?...how is a wife supposed to treat the husband?...i feel like in a marriage the expectations on the wife is more...much more than on a husband...im tired...i feel bone tired...what with dealing with the moving back and forth...im tired with dealing with the burden on the emotions...im tired of mother giving me the lecture on money and money and money...im tired of having to explain why im going back to chai chee or clementi or wherever...i want my own house...i want a place i can call my own...i do not noe how long we would be like this...dun seem to noe where we belong...im sick of this shit!!...cant stand mother questioning on why i wanted to get married now...on why is it not the best time...im tired....weary....tired....
Darnisha â¥
10:53 AM
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Monday, May 26, 2008
and so it shall be
initially thought that i would not be using this blog space...but i think i shall still keep this for my deepest thoughts.....im getting married this saturday...the closer i get to the date....the more uncertain i feel...actually i dun even know how i feel...dunno how to feel...dunno what i should be feeling....at times it feels like im making the GRAVEST mistake of my life....at times it feels good....at times i just dunno...had the opportunity to spend some time with my dear bestie....and a new person in the scene...i felt a sense of regret...regret that im getting married in a week...i want more time with these lovely people...i missed my life....went to attica with my dear bestie and some friends....oh gosh...how i missed it....not so much of the boozing...the dancing...the mingling around....the partying....i missed my life...and im gonna miss it more....yah i consciously gave it up when i decided to sell my life away....but i still miss it....i want more time....i miss my life....not sure if im ready to face the challenge....not sure if i would be ultimately happy...a princess warrior said "hey you got a good catch....congrats...he's cute".....ermmm not sure how i feel abt that, dear...hahahaha...considering u are actually wat...eyeing him ehhh?...hahaha...things are gonna be soooo different....yah it will fall into place...im moving on...but at the same time does it have to be a choice?...cant it be a compromise??...does it have to be one way or the other?....its hard....did i make that choice?....am i happy with that choice?...am i ready to face the consequences of the choice that i have made?.....honestly at this point i am not sure....yes...im getting married in 5 days.....but im looking back....am i gonna regret this decision?...is it too late now?
Darnisha â¥
12:31 PM
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Monday, May 12, 2008
its party nite
wonderful wonderful night....had a blast....the night started out really early...picked my darling brother up at three...had ice-cream at uber-sexy Singapore Flyer heeeee....not ur normal ice-cream...its italian gelato only...after some errand-runnings in the middle, proceeded to Cafe Iguana for dinner....stuffed ourselves on quesedilla, nachos, something else...cant remember what bro ate....we shared a jug of Frozen Raspberry margarita.....was not as nice as their mango or strawberry....we contemplated getting the mango once we done with the first jug....the problem is...once we done with the first jug...first we were too stuffed to get more...second, we were both starting to talk nonsense....hahahahaso then we waited for jef and dan....before proceeding to attica too...for a jangan-marah private function...hehe...some invitation for their fourth year anniversary masquerade party...but of cos we didnt come with masks....malas....so then we were waiting for some fashion show to start...more things to drink...after third glass of white wine, i think i was by then a little drunk....fashion show was a little disappointing...made my way through the crowd to get to the toilet....when i came back from the toilet,....that was when the party really started....ppl started dancing...dan especially....oooooh there was a lot of dancing....there was a lot of grinding....hiakzzzz....a whole lot of that.....bro got a little action on the dance floor....was so funny tho...cos the guy first started dancing with one of our girl friends...then started dancing with bro....fuuuuuuhhh hotness i tell u.....sampai kaki cramp nyahhhhh..... but then....thing is...the guy look sooo familiar...hmmm i wonder where we met him....hmmmmm oh and i actually met someone else from my past....strangely, no feeling when i saw that person....oh well....i had fun...sooooo much fun.....was wonderful for them to come together for me....love u all.....thanks again for coming together...
Darnisha â¥
11:56 AM
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Tuesday, February 26, 2008
i do not understand
honest to God i do not understand what the hell is goin on in some people's brain and mind....gosh..i haven't been updating this blog for donkey ages...but i have to use this space now...to air my grievances...let my thoughts be heard without people misconstruing the meaning and then amik hati here and there..am so bloody sick of it....am so bloody sick of working in an environment where the politicking is worse than the marketplace....walking on eggshells trying not to hurt people...jaga hati here and there...NONSENSE....why cant people just agree to disagree...and blardy move on...today's grouse is the fact that some people are just ultra happy with pushing away responsibilities...some of which i do not understand why...even to the point of keeping a file pun nak push away ker? i mean for God's sake, you opened the bloody file, wats the big deal abt keeping it??? WAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!! its not as if i dun have enuf on my plate...i myself struggling to breathe...and work keeps piling...it doesnt help that she is the total opposite...nothing much to be accounted for...nothing much at all...her job is to everyday sieve through the newspaper looking for interesting articles...updating the office blog....and that's bloody it...whereas ppl juggling with so many other things...ermm why did you put this file on my table? (i remembered clearly during the meeting that she will be opening the file)oh ermmm....u keep it lah..................WHAT THE FUCK LARHHHHHH.....seriously what the hell was that all about??? its not a point that i mind keeping the blardy file...but why cant she keep it? am so blardy sick of working here
Darnisha â¥
11:04 AM
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